i wish i was stronger

the mess at home is beyond comprehension. i constantly avoid reaching home early because of this constant tension between the two old(er) ladies of the house. granny keeps driving everyone to near-insanity with the same questions and wanting to call people and inform them of relatives that have already died years ago. shrieks ensue even before ten in the morning; the mother telling the mother to shut the fuck up and the elder one condemns her for being an unfilial daughter. events like this become more frequent, at least once a day? once every two days?

it's really painful to hear each day. the granny always seeks help to call someone but nobody wants to help. then if someone tells her she's wrong she just screams that we are liars.

maybe i am a liar. but everybody else does that too. (Do i hear a House quote? hehehe)

sometimes she can wake me up at 8 in the morning to tell me to call someone. again. then she would go over to the mother's room to ask her whether she's visiting the family to pay respects and stuff. then my mother gets agitated as hell and either screams or leaves the room. this is followed by the granny returning to her room and getting ready to change and visit them. i don't know who manages to persuade her to change back because i always run out to school early to avoid that part.

this craziness has been dominating part of my brain for a long time now. sometimes i cry myself to sleep at night because i feel so helpless.

what do i do?

no one else apparently gives a fuck, either.

she's about the closest thing as a family member that gives me comfort (with the squishy figure of hers WAHA) but she's driving me mad. and she's literally turning the mother into a mad woman.

i haven't really been able to verbally express this pain (suffering seems a tad overly dramatic, don't you think? -is it "over dramatic"? or just "a tad dramatic"? HAHA I WILL STOP NOW) because they're all busy. and i try to be busy with school too. and what's the point to confiding in someone if they can't change things, you know? i wish i was a stronger person. well i'm trying to be one.

but now i'm feeling like this song. except for the getting laid part larh horh NYAAAAHAAHHHH. but i don't mind being a nun and not get married. the mother already told me to do that a long time ago.


"Strong" by Robbie Williams

My breath smells of a thousand fags
And when I'm drunk I dance like me Dad
I've started to dress a bit like him

Early morning when I wake up
I look like Kiss but without the make up
And that's a good line to take it to
The bridge

And you know and you know
Cos my life's a mess
And I'm trying to grow so before
I'm old I'll confess
You think that I'm strong you're wrong
You're wrong
I'll sing my song my song my song

My bed's full of takeaways and fantasies
Of easy lays
The pause button's broke on my video
And is this real cos I feel fake
Oprah Winfrey Ricki Lake
Teach me things I don't need to know

And you know and you know
Cos my life's a mess
And it's starting to show so before
I'm old I'll confess
You think that I'm strong you're wrong
You're wrong
I'll sing my song my song my song

If I did it all again I'd be a nun
The rain was never cold when I was young
I'm still young we're still young
Life's too short to be afraid
Step inside the sun

And you know and you know
Cos my life's a mess
And I'm trying to grow

And you know and you know
Cos my life's a mess
And I'm trying to grow

And you know and you know
Cos my life's a mess
And I'm trying to grow

You think that I'm strong you're wrong
You're wrong
I'll sing my song my song my song

You think that I'm strong you're wrong
You're wrong
I'll sing my song my song my song

Life's too short to be afraid
So take a pill to numb the pain
You don't have to take the blame

Life's too short to be afraid
So take a pill to numb the pain
You don't have to take the blame

Life's too short to be afraid
So take a pill to numb the pain
You don't have to take the blame


-nawal